In the lift, no one can hear you scream!

My more avid readers may remember (or a few blogs back), I talked about being published... After nearly 2 years, I FINALLY got confirmation that the article that I wrote on behalf of my company for a certain publication, would not be published after all. The whole project was scrapped.

I am gutted!

So here it is, in all its glory. (the company I work for has been taken out on the first line due to privacy) Enjoy!

How many ****** employees can you fit in a lift? Well on this occasion the answer is one. Sadly it wasn’t just a case of fitting; it was a case of being stuck. On this particular day, the lift just didn’t want to let me go. Working in a sixteen floor building has its difficulties at the best of times such as the lift stopping on every floor as people get in and out or the lift not coming at all because people on the floors above and below are you getting in and out. Sometimes it’s like waiting for a bus; you can be there for an eternity and three show up at once.

It was a rare occasion that I left the office on time that day, yes this would be the day when I didn’t have to run to Piccadilly station and board the train a red faced, sweaty mess. I was feeling pretty good. Inboxes were empty, pending less than five and the internal inquiries, were up to date. Turning on my iPod and listening to Lady Gaga I hit the red, down button and waited. The gods were smiling on me because *ping*, the lift showed up immediately and I walked inside it. We all know how a lift works, you press number of the floor you wish to go to, the doors close and off you go right? Wrong! The doors did close however, the lift jerked and nothing, bearing in mind I was lost in a world of music and thoughts of the Chinese food I was going to order once I was home. I don’t think I noticed that I hadn’t moved for at least a minute, maybe even two. I pulled my ear phones out, confused.

Silence! Why does the display still say 11th floor? I immediately hit the ground floor button again *jerk* followed by the very calming lift lady voice said "11th floor". Wash rinse repeat... still nothing. I wasn’t moving an inch. I began hitting the ground button repeatedly in frustration. So the display still showed that I was on the 11th floor. I’ll just open the doors and get out then right? Yeah, the gods weren’t smiling on me anymore. The doors refused to budge. Oh what I wouldn’t have given for a crow bar at the very moment. I looked at my phone for the time.

3.36pm

I’d only been in here for 6 minutes? It felt like longer. Could I still make my train? Of course I could! It didn’t come for another twenty one minutes. The sense of defiance that had shrouded me so quickly was just as swiftly followed by panic. Of course I was going to miss it; it comes in TWENTY ONE MINUTES!!!!!

A nervous laugh escaped my lips as the gravity of the situation began to dawn on me. Images of the opening scene of the film Speed flashed through my mind and I was convinced any minute now either the floor was going to have a hole blown in it or Keanu Reeves was going to shimmy down the lift shaft upside down and save me. Either that or no one would know I was in here and I’d be stuck in the building ‘til morning. I quickly did a mental check of any supplies I had on me. A bottle of water, a pack of chewing gum and half a packet of sugar snap peas. Maybe not enough to survive a zombie apocalypse but I was sure they would get me through the night. You may scoff at my thoughts but it’s amazing what goes through your mind at a time like that.

 3.39pm

I spied the yellow button with the bell on it, otherwise known as the alarm button. I wasn’t quite sure why I hadn’t hit it before. Maybe it’s just that good old British stiff upper lip? Heaven forbid I might make a scene. I wasn’t really stuck in the lift! I honestly still believed right up until that point that it was something I was doing wrong. I wasn’t hitting the right button or pressing it correctly. Maybe I was pressing it too hard? Oh just press the alarm button will ya?

I expected a bell, I really did. Talk about false advertising! It was more like a car horn and not as loud as expected. Was anyone even going to hear this pathetic excuse for a noise? Apparently not because after five minutes of pressing it enough but not excessively, again, not wanting to annoy anyone by my obvious need for attention, still no one came to my aid. I pressed it once more and mentally scolded myself for pressing it a little too long. I had decided that this would be the last time I did. The sound was beginning to annoy me.

Silence and then the lights went out. Just wonderful!

I sat on the floor making sure that my new boots didn’t touch it. My coat I could wash, my boots I could not and they were new and my latest pride and joy. The floor was particularly grubby as it would be. I made a mental calculation of how many people would actually use this lift in a day, then a month and just as I strained my brain to calculate the yearly foot traffic a voice from the heavens spoke to me.

"Are you ok?"

My immediate reaction was one of a sarcastic comment bordering on hysteria but getting panicked now would help no one and I was already heading towards the title of "girl who got stuck in the lift" I didn’t want to also be the "girl who had a complete mental break down whilst stuck in the lift." I meekly if not a little nervously replied "I’m fine." I tried my hardest to listen to the man who had come to save me, turns out he hadn’t and he was in fact just a messenger and he was just here to relay to me that the man who was going to save was possibly stuck in traffic and would get round to saving me in twenty five minutes. I looked at my phone again.

3.48pm

Yeah, I wasn’t going to be making the train and suddenly I was ok with that. Now the more pressing issue was what on earth was I going to do for twenty five minutes? I grabbed my phone again and checked. Yes!!! I had signal. Yes!!! I had internet. I must Instagram, Facebook and tweet this to everyone I know immediately! The world must know about my ordeal! Ok maybe not, but I did Instagram myself on the floor of the lift as the whole interior is either mirrors or reflective surfaces. It was a great picture even if I do say so myself.

By this point cabin fever was setting in and the prospect of being in here for another twenty minutes was just too much to bear. I dialed one of the managers I work with there. After a three minute conversation consisting of…

"Sibby, I’m stuck in the lift".
"You’re what?"
"I’m stuck in the lift".
"Where?"
"Where do you think? In the lift shaft!"
"Which lift shaft?"
"The one in the building"
"Which building?"
"Our building!!!"

The immediate response was one of hysterical laughter. I then questioned why I phoned this particular manager when I knew he would think the whole situation was ridiculously funny. Listening to him howl down the phone I knew why I phoned him. This was completely funny and I began to laugh myself silly with him. It was then I heard more voices from above including the Sibby’s so I hung up and yelled that I could hear him. It seems I was drawing quite a crowd behind those doors. Oh the shame! Couldn’t they just leave me here until everyone went home? Did anyone else in the building have to witness my humiliation? There suddenly felt like there was a massive stigma attached to being incarcerated in a hanging metal box. I consoled myself that at least it wasn’t a glass one so I wouldn’t be watched like a goldfish in a bowl. At this point I figured I might just as well play a game on my phone.

Just then I heard a scratching sound, then a creak and a slow rumble. Maybe it was my stomach? I was getting hungry; after all I had been in here for a whole thirty one minutes! The lift doors then began to part and a sense of relief washed over me as I saw the first human face in what seemed like an eternity with an almost blinding light behind him, smiling at me, with an almost bemused expression. Was there anyone who didn’t think this was funny? Ok, so he was no Keanu Reeves but at that moment he looked like an angel to me. Suddenly it dawned on me; I was still on the 11th floor!  The stupid lift hadn’t moved an inch, even a quarter of an inch and here was me thinking I was suspended perilously between two floors! Looking past the angel I saw manager Sibby with a huge grin on his face, still laughing, stood next to a concerned looking voice from the heavens who I now know was Ian the Human Resources manager, and beyond them, three of my co-workers looking highly amused.

3.59pm

Looking back to my angel I laughed, “Well you took your bleedin’ time didn’t ya?” I bet he’s heard worse and he was still smiling as he held the doors open for me to leave. I got up off the grubby floor brushing off my coat and checking my boots, relieved to find there wasn’t a mark on them. After Ian ensured I was ok; I playfully hit Sibby on the arm, regretting it instantly as I was going to need him to take a different lift with me so I could leave the building. The idea of getting in alone wasn’t one I was ready to entertain at that moment. Of course he agreed without hesitation but I distinctly heard a low chuckle as we got in and traveled down eleven floors. Exiting the building I breathed a sigh of relief and quickly headed towards my favourite coffee place for a medicinal cappuccino. Ok I had missed my train but I was free!

On Monday, well of course everyone knew about the incident and teased me about it constantly but it only lasted for the day and part of Tuesday and a couple of occasions on Wednesday.

As for the lift, well it’s now working perfectly as far as I know but now when that particular one arrives to take me to my destination, I wait for the next one.

The only thing wrong with religion is the people who follow it...

"je suis Paris...."

See if there's one thing that these middle eastern nut fucks are proving time and time again, is that they may call themselves Muslims, but they are not. They are nothing more that a deranged cult.

"A cult is defined as a system which venerates one particular individual, ideal or object. They can be a select group of fanatics, or a group of misguided outsiders whose ideals have segmented them from the norm. Many cults don’t begin as dangerous sects – and in fact, if asked, those involved with them wouldn’t describe their group as a cult at all. However, many cults have sinister or extreme agendas that are so far outside they norm they become dangerous. This manifests in mass-suicides, brainwashing, extremist behavior, attacks, abductions, extortion and vandalism."

Remind you of anyone?

Look at their bat shit crazy predecessors...

Scientology - nuff said!
The Ku Klux Klan - racist murderers
Branch Davidians - Got themselves shot and blown up. However, the jury is still our whether or not they deserved it.
Moonies - probably dropped way too much acid in the 70's

... they're all deranged!

Just because ISIS they say they're Muslims... I can say I'm a unicorn but it doesn't make it true.

Don't get me wrong, Islam isn't without its problems. Their track record of women's and children's human rights alone is enough to make your skin crawl. However, you can honestly say that about many recognized religions... just look at Catholicism, stories of pedophiles handing out bread and wine on Sundays and touching small boys every other day of the week to name just one. And what is with the no condom thing? (ah, maybe they just want an excess of boys being born. I get it now). Hell, even your good ole Mormon's would still be recognized as a cult if it wasn't for some excellent and no doubt expensive PR work.

But I myself, choose not to judge a group or race of people by the actions of the few. I refuse to brand all Muslims as terrorists. By doing so, you are creating a divide in which ISIS seek to create. I will continue to do so no matter who, no matter what.

Saying that, should we allow tens of thousands of Syrian refugees into our countries? The media will lead you to believe that there are terrorists hidden among them. And you know what? They're probably right! But the terrorists have been gaining entry into our countries since before 9/11, as students, as business men, as tourists.

I am in two minds. I am on the fence. How can we possibly take more people when we already have hungry and homeless that we are unable to take care of? When we have veterans that fought to keep us safe at great cost, have no roof above their heads, no food in their stomachs?

But we cannot not take them. We cant leave them to suffer and die. They are the innocents. They are as innocent as the people who died in Paris on Friday and the numerous people who have died in attacks before them.

So what do we do? I actually don't have an answer or an opinion quite frankly. (shocked?)

All I do know is that this is the time to come together. This is the time for every man woman and child to stand against these absolute fucking retarded scum bags (I,m holding back, can you tell?) It is us against them. End of. It is US against THEM. We are at war.

Anyways... this is just my two cents.