WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!
AGAIN!!!
HAVEN'T WE DONE THIS BEFORE??
WHO AM I SCREAMING AT???
Yes, once again we are facing an apocalypse. According to the Christian numerologist David Meade, the world will end on 23rd September 2017. (If this is the first time you're hearing about this, I apologise for the late notice. I've been stockpiling food and building my end of the world proof shelter. It's pink and sparkly and furnished by IKEA. Not really. Actually my hamster died and I've been grieving. No, seriously!). So yeah, our little ray of sunshine Dave says it's all over in a couple of days. Not heard of this guy? I'm not surprised. Neither had I until I spotted a random countdown on Facebook and my immediate though was "for fuck sake, not this shit again. I've only just got over the trauma of 2012".
I'm also getting over the flu so could really do without this right now. Real flu, not that pussy ass man shit that goes around. I am actually snotting all over the place, its like a scene from the exorcist (not the one with the crucifix, you kinky bastards). My head feels twice the size it should be and Im sure that I am growing an extra appendage out of my spine but yet here I am attempting to entertain you. Well at least until the night nurse kicks in.
Anyways, David Meade is a conspiracy theorist basically and he wrote a book called Planet X – The 2017 Arrival where he claimed Nibiru (sounds like a dodgy curry) would crash into Earth in October. BUT THEN moved the date forward by a few weeks. (How fucking convenient!) Despite his claims, very little is known about this man "for security reasons" he claims. He calls himself a "Christian numerologist”, apparently a specialist in his field. I'm assuming that you can Google map this particular field because there is no such thing as Christian numerology. He made it up! That's like me saying I'm a specialist in the field of therapy for those afflicted by Starbucks getting their name wrong on their order. OH THE HORROR!
His predictions are based on... *drum roll*... wait for it.... THE BIBLE! Isaiah, Chapter 13 9-10 to be precise which reads - “See, the Day of the Lord is coming – a cruel day, with wrath and fierce anger – to make the land desolate and destroy the sinners within it. The Stars of Heaven and their constellations will not show their light. The rising Sun will be darkened and the Moon will not give its light.”
So if you haven't guessed Nibiru is a planet which is somewhere in our universe that can seemingly move from solar system to solar system without detection coz no fucker has seen it, not even NASA and if it did exist we would be flying around our solar system like a toddler on Red Bull pushing a mini shopping trolley around Toys R Us because Nibiru's gravity alone would destabilize the orbits of planets closet to the sun. (That's Mercury, Venus and Earth in case you were wondering) But yet it must be real because it was first mentioned in 1976 in yet another book (fucking writers have a lot to answer for. Oh wait! Nevermind) called The 12th Planet by author Zecharia Sitchin. Sitchin believed the planet is home to ancient aliens who he claimed created the human race.
So not only is our Dave buying into 2,000-year-old prophecy written in a book from stories passed down through generations and various languages whilst adding a planet and some aliens who were dreamed up by a guy who possibly dropped too much acid in the 70's. Seems legit.
But it isn't what you think. The world isn't gonna explode. We're all not going to die in a fiery hell. (although, some of us might be spending eternity there) September 23rd will mark the beginning of the end. It will mark the start of 7 years of death and destruction as the gravitational force of Nibiru knocks us of our polar axis and so begin the tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! (who ya gonna call?!) Forgive me, but isn't that just global warming? But don't forget the righteous ones! They are to be taken to heaven in droves to be spared the end of days because they went to church every Sunday and put a fiver on the collection plate without taking change.
I have no doubt in my mind that I will be one of those left behind. Not because I'm a bad person but because I don't think my brand of dark, twisted humour would be appreciated upstairs. It'd be better placed in the hot basement, reclaiming my right to the fiery throne. But if I am left behind... whoo hoo! Party time! And when this all turns out to be bullshit, I will be wearing my new "I survived ANOTHER apocalypse" t-shirt.
So don't go all Carpe diem just yet. This might not be the time to stop paying your credit card and rent and jetting off to some island in the Caribbean. We might have a few more years yet before we really need to start organising the parties and orgies. But maybe it is time to start seizing the day a little more. Seize the little things, seeing family more (if you can stand to be around them), working a little bit less, not watching the scales so much (it isn't the end of the world because you gained 3lbs. Literally) and hey who knows, you might get hit by a the number 47 bus tomorrow and miss the apocalypse altogether! It really is a shame that more of us don't or cant live our lives every day as if it was the end of the world because in fact, it could be.
However, one thing Dave has secured by his theories and all this hoopla... hes probably gonna be the most Googled person in the next couple of months. Well unless Beyonce announces that shes knocked up again.
