Of course I'm an organ donor! Who wouldn't want a piece of this?!

I've been giving blood as long as I can remember (I have a rare blood type) although I haven't been since I had my gallbladder removed (note to self, stick that on the resolutions list) So I was really shocked when I received a letter, booklet and a consent form advising me that I was a possible match and was I interested in donating bone marrow? Considering the industry I work in, my schedule this time of year is always manic so I popped it on top of the piano and decided Id look at it again at the weekend. However, two days later I received a call. 

"We sent you a letter through about being a bone marrow donor and wondered if you'd had chance to have a read through it yet?" Talk about the hard sell! I had already decided that I would, I mean, I put my name on the register for a fucking reason right? So within a further two days I had two testing kits at my house and had been to the doctors to give blood which I then had to box back up and post to the lab" I hope Royal Mail didn't fucking lose them! Although the woman's face at the Post Office when she asked me what was in the packages was priceless as she began picking them up with only her finger tips. I mean what the fuck bitch?! I didn't just clumsily remove one of my organs with a dessert spoon, wrap it in cling film and decide to catch the last Christmas posting date!

So now I just have to wait for the results and find out if and what they want and how much. I'm kinda excited that I can do this actually. I mean hey! I'm not getting any younger and quite frankly, when it comes to body parts, it might just be slim pickings from here on out. I mean, they ain't gonna want my liver after what I plan to put away over this Christmas period. 

I do plan however, after I've partaken of the usual Christmas gluttony to eat a little more healthier and drop a few pounds. It is needed quite frankly but more than anything, if this all goes ahead, I want to give someone the best bone marrow I can. Yeah yeah, I know, It doesn't make that much of a difference but on the flip side, it will me help with my recovery time also and I often need fucking good reasons to motivate myself to do shit so this is my reason. Someone's got some first class bone marrow coming their way! 

I am also glad that I can actively do something. I had tried to donate my time on Christmas day this year to a charitable organisation or care home but apparently you can't do that without having a official check to make sure you're not a criminal or some kind of sexual deviant (well actually, we all know I am a huge sexual deviant but only in appropriate settings with an consenting adult) and of course, this comes with a handsome fee. Seems they're more than happy to take your cash, just not your time.

So donating body parts it is then! 

People's reactions have been mixed I have to say. One person actually asked me "why?" If that wasn't the stupidest fucking question ever asked since"Was the Lion King based on a true story?" (although, god bless the internet, I'm sure there are far stupider ones) My question is why not? Why aren't you a organ donor? Why don't you give blood? I mean how amazing is it that your body can make something which can save someone's life, which you can give to them with very little effort? Yes, there are a lot of reasons why some people aren't allowed to donate anything; health issues, risky sexual behavior... but if you're healthy and you can answer the 101 questions they ask you with the word "no" then whats stopping you?

"I'm afraid of needles" is a common response. Puhleeze!! I was afraid of needles for many years. I would scream and dart out of the building a quivering, snotty mess at the mere mention of needing a blood test or anesthetic for dental work. You know what I did, I grabbed the bull by the bollocks and went to give blood. I explained that I was petrified but my need to overcome the fear was massive. The nurses were amazing and sympathetic and it went very smoothly to the point now where I even watch (and Instagram) as they stick me with it. So don't come to me with that excuse and by the way, was it Benidorm you got that butterfly tattoo on your shoulder? 

"I don't have the time" is another one I've heard... how much time did you rack you this week watching Coronation Street and Eastenders? What do you think catch up TV is for?!

Next please! 

But hey, all insults aside the decision to do this is a personal one, but an important one to think about. Imagine how you would feel watching a loved one dying and not being able to do shit about it... knowing that there might be someone out there that could help them but they're not registered as a donor. Or if you're one of those people who only loves themselves, let me know how it feels to die a slow painful death because there isn't a match for you. 

Nuff said.  

Spot the difference

Do you come here often? Then you might notice a slight change to the blog.

Change has been on my mind a lot in recent weeks. I am trying to make positive changes in my work and my personal life.

Oh yeah, its going great! Pffft.

After review, I thought the old blog was looking a bit stale. So I have just sat here for the past two hours looking at layouts and themes, changing fonts, colours and backgrounds. 120 whole minutes playing with and I will be frank, the fucking pathetic selection of layouts that Blogger.com offers. (seriously, dude, can we have more selection please?)

So yes, after all that, what do I come up with... FUCKING TRANSPARENCY. You can now see more of the shitty ass background that I chose 8 years ago when I signed up here.

*patting myself on the back for a job well done*

But hey, at least the picture is new right? The last one was at least 5 years old. The new one was taken yesterday. (notice more lines around the eyes and a more weathered, cynical look) Who a I kidding?! There are no lines. That's what filters are for. Can't Photoshop cynical though.

BTW I'm totally recommending (something I never do) Snapseed, photo editing software. Guys, you can do all kindsa of cool effects on there. Ladies, its great for making you look less haggard.

I did however totally amuse myself last night with the Facebook filters. I look great as The Night King, I'll have you know. Not so great as My Little Pony. I'm not usually a fan of those kind of filters. The Snapchat epidemic of dog filters makes me homicidal in fact. Why do people insist on taking a pic on Snapchat with floppy ears and a big nose and then posting it on Instagram or Facebook???

IF I WANTED TO SEE SNAPCHAT FILTER PICS THEN I WOULD HAVE FUCKING SNAPCHAT!!!!

I did have it once actually, waaaay back in the day before it was "cool". All I got sent was dick pics so I removed the app. I'm sorry but some of you guys have some really ugly junk and trust me, if I wanted to see it, I'd just come out and ask. I'm not shy!

But it really does amaze me just how far photography has come. Back when I started (using film and fuck off, I'm not that old) I was constantly frustrated simply by the wait to see what my work looked like. When I got my first digital SLR a couple of years later, I was like a dog with two dicks. Anything that stood still long enough was photographed. It did turn me into a bit of a photo snob though. Photography used to be an elite craft and for many years I thought that using Photoshop was a crime against Kodak. Then came iPhones and filters and everyone thought they were fucking Annie Leibovitz for a time and for a while I just sat back and watched the madness, rarely using my phone or Nikon camera. Now, I'm an Instagram junkie and I am constantly searching for better apps to manipulate my pictures and even come up with brilliance now and again (if I say so myself) with the occasional selfie thrown in for good measure.

I now welcome the revolution and look forward to what's to come.

“Photography is the story I fail to put into words.”
— Destin Sparks

Caring is sharing?

Like and share if... Most people wont copy... Type Amen if... Can one person repost if you care...

Well I hate to break it to you Carol, but no one actually gives a fuck!

You've seen them. WE'VE ALL FUCKING SEEN THEM! And they're done under the guise of hashtag awareness when they're essentially nothing more that the 80's chain letters that left us in constant fear that we would die within seven hours because we hadn't sent it on to seven people.

Don't get me wrong, I know that the people who post these more often than not have their hearts in the right place however most of them are just giant attention whores... "oh look at me, I'm so socially aware. I'm politically awakened and fighting for the injustice in the world". Are ya? Are you really? Or are you just sat behind your phone/keyboard 12 hours a day judging people or murmuring curse words under your breath because the popular bitch from high school who didn't speak to back you then who only added you as a friend to bump her numbers up and never likes anything you post just posted yet another montage of ski holiday pictures and you haven't been able to afford a holiday in 8 years and by extension continues the "hey look at how fabulous my life is" campaign which she so perfectly began 30 years ago. Hey, I don't sit in judgement. I have 4 or 5 people on there from school and constantly question why the fuck I accepted their friend request in the first place. One day I'll pull my finger out of my arse and remove them. I didn't like them in school, I certainly could't give a fuck about what they're doing now.

The fabulous life campaign is for the most part, on my Facebook at least, parents. "I'm so proud of my little boy, he pooped in the potty for the first time" which often accompanies a picture of little Bradley, looking proud as punch with a maniacal grin, stood next to his plastic Thomas the tank engine toilet displaying a giant turd within. Give that boy a gold star, he will go far in life (or maybe not now that the picture has been committed to the internet for all eternity. Please let this kid be President!)

1st day of school pictures, last day of school pictures, graduations from fucking KINDERGARTEN?? COME ON!!!!! When the fuck did that become a thing? Why are we constantly giving prizes for stupid shit? Would you give someone a gold chocolate medal because they managed to cross the road without getting hit by a bus? No! It amounts to the same thing in my eyes. Me managing to get through a work day without telling someone to fuck off and die should deserve an award surely? Oh no wait, that's called being able to keep my job and not end up homeless. MY BAD!

When I see these parents constantly posting praise for their kids achievements, it always makes me ask myself " did you actually say that to your kid first before telling the world or are you going to let them stumble across the post when they're scrolling down their timeline for kitten memes?"  There is nothing wrong with being proud or your kids, your life, your new tattoo but I long for the days when I didn't have to see it all over my Facebook. God bless the "unfollow" option... giving people the illusion that you give a shit about what they're posting, without having to actually give a shit.

"Behold the field in which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and thou shalt see that it is barren" That's what the internet needs, More memes!

I love the meme that circulates every now and again "I'm so glad the internet didn't exist when I was a kid. I did loads of stupid stuff and there's no record of it anywhere". So fucking true. I thank my lucky stars regularly but on the flip side, how much easier would homework have been? Having to traipse down to the library in all weathers was a pain in the arse. Kids just don't know that they're born these days (get off my lawn!)

So yes, you little keyboard activists. You're aware. Praise be! But do you ever wonder exactly what you are achieving? Are you really equipped to deal with someones depressive episodes when they turn up on your doorstep after you posted a status saying "my door is always open and the kettle is always on"? As someone who has helped two close friends through very dark times, a cup of tea and a chat ain't gonna fix shit. If anything, it trivializes the seriousness of depression and suicide in my humble opinion. If you are truly worried about someone then them message them, call them, visit them. Get them the information they need to seek professional help... don't post bullshit on the internet and pat yourself on the back because you've saved a life. You've done nothing.

Typing "Amen" under a picture of a terminally ill child will not heal them. If you feel so strongly about children dying of horrific and cruel diseases then donate some of your hard earned cash to the charities who try to cure said diseases. I'm glad it helps you sleep at night because you typed a 4 letter, one syllable word under a picture on the internet.

Sharing a post proclaiming you hate Cancer... what do you think will happen from that? Cancer isn't gonna cry like a little bitch and leave the world forever. It's not going to text it's friend that the whole world hates it and weep uncontrollably in front of a rom-com with a tub of Ben and Jerry's and never kill anyone ever again.

Why can people not see how ridiculous this is and that at the very least that it is emotional blackmail?! I have a heart but I refuse to re-post this crap. Does that make me a bad person? In my opinion it just solidifies that I'm not a sheep. I have always done what I can to help others, more recently I've stepped it up with paying it forward. I could list them so you can sit there reading this and say to yourself "oh wow, what a good person she is" but I'm not going to because your opinion of me does not matter. I don't do the things I do for praise or thanks. I do it because I like helping people and because it needs to be done.

If you really need the validation in your life that comes from the world seeing that you're fucking Mother Teresa incarnate then post links to actually charities, websites, phone numbers so people can get support with the horrific things afflicting their lives. Or better still, get out there and raise money for organisations that can help people with the shitty stuff that life likes to ass fuck us with.

Oh no! Not another apocalypse!

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!

AGAIN!!!

HAVEN'T WE DONE THIS BEFORE??

WHO AM I SCREAMING AT???

Yes, once again we are facing an apocalypse. According to the Christian numerologist David Meade, the world will end on 23rd September 2017. (If this is the first time you're hearing about this, I apologise for the late notice. I've been stockpiling food and building my end of the world proof shelter. It's pink and sparkly and furnished by IKEA. Not really. Actually my hamster died and I've been grieving. No, seriously!). So yeah, our little ray of sunshine Dave says it's all over in a couple of days. Not heard of this guy? I'm not surprised. Neither had I until I spotted a random countdown on Facebook and my immediate though was "for fuck sake, not this shit again. I've only just got over the trauma of 2012".

I'm also getting over the flu so could really do without this right now. Real flu, not that pussy ass man shit that goes around. I am actually snotting all over the place, its like a scene from the exorcist (not the one with the crucifix, you kinky bastards). My head feels twice the size it should be and Im sure that I am growing an extra appendage out of my spine but yet here I am attempting to entertain you. Well at least until the night nurse kicks in.

Anyways, David Meade is a conspiracy theorist basically and he wrote a book called Planet X – The 2017 Arrival where he claimed Nibiru (sounds like a dodgy curry) would crash into Earth in October. BUT THEN moved the date forward by a few weeks. (How fucking convenient!) Despite his claims, very little is known about this man "for security reasons" he claims. He calls himself a "Christian numerologist”, apparently a specialist in his field. I'm assuming that you can Google map this particular field because there is no such thing as Christian numerology. He made it up! That's like me saying I'm a specialist in the field of therapy for those afflicted by Starbucks getting their name wrong on their order. OH THE HORROR!

His predictions are based on... *drum roll*... wait for it.... THE BIBLE! Isaiah, Chapter 13 9-10 to be precise which reads - “See, the Day of the Lord is coming – a cruel day, with wrath and fierce anger – to make the land desolate and destroy the sinners within it. The Stars of Heaven and their constellations will not show their light. The rising Sun will be darkened and the Moon will not give its light.”

So if you haven't guessed Nibiru is a planet which is somewhere in our universe that can seemingly move from solar system to solar system without detection coz no fucker has seen it, not even NASA and if it did exist we would be flying around our solar system like a toddler on Red Bull pushing a mini shopping trolley around Toys R Us because Nibiru's gravity alone would destabilize the orbits of planets closet to the sun. (That's Mercury, Venus and Earth in case you were wondering) But yet it must be real because it was first mentioned in 1976 in yet another book (fucking writers have a lot to answer for. Oh wait! Nevermind) called The 12th Planet by author Zecharia Sitchin. Sitchin believed the planet is home to ancient aliens who he claimed created the human race.

So not only is our Dave buying into 2,000-year-old prophecy written in a book from stories passed down through generations and various languages whilst adding a planet and some aliens who were dreamed up by a guy who possibly dropped too much acid in the 70's. Seems legit.

But it isn't what you think. The world isn't gonna explode. We're all not going to die in a fiery hell. (although, some of us might be spending eternity there) September 23rd will mark the beginning of the end. It will mark the start of 7 years of death and destruction as the gravitational force of Nibiru knocks us of our polar axis and so begin  the tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! (who ya gonna call?!)  Forgive me, but isn't that just global warming? But don't forget the righteous ones! They are to be taken to heaven in droves to be spared the end of days because they went to church every Sunday and put a fiver on the collection plate without taking change.

I have no doubt in my mind that I will be one of those left behind. Not because I'm a bad person but because I don't think my brand of dark, twisted humour would be appreciated upstairs. It'd be better placed in the hot basement, reclaiming my right to the fiery throne. But if I am left behind... whoo hoo! Party time! And when this all turns out to be bullshit, I will be wearing my new "I survived ANOTHER apocalypse" t-shirt.

So don't go all Carpe diem just yet. This might not be the time to stop paying your credit card and rent and jetting off to some island in the Caribbean. We might have a few more years yet before we really need to start organising the parties and orgies. But maybe it is time to start seizing the day a little more. Seize the little things, seeing family more (if you can stand to be around them), working a little bit less, not watching the scales so much (it isn't the end of the world because you gained 3lbs. Literally) and hey who knows, you might get hit by a the number 47 bus tomorrow and miss the apocalypse altogether! It really is a shame that more of us don't or cant live our lives every day as if it was the end of the world because in fact, it could be.

However, one thing Dave has secured by his theories and all this hoopla... hes probably gonna be the most Googled person in the next couple of months. Well unless Beyonce announces that shes knocked up again.

16 years later...

9/11/2001... (if you're American and weirdly write the date backwards) The day that changed America. The day that changed the world. No matter what your political views, no matter what your religion, no matter what your theory is about what went down that day it is difficult to deny that fact. It changed so much and not necessarily for the better.

For me, it changed my sense of security. For the first time in my life I was truly terrified. The first time a plane flew over my head a few weeks after that day my body ran cold. I was anxious to leave the house and go into tall buildings or buildings with large crowds of people in them. I was scared for me. I was scared for my family.

I have my own little ritual every year to remember those who died that day. Whilst I didn't know anyone personally, I have some good friends who lost family members and friends in the towers. Every time I visit New York, I go and pay my respects and I wear a piece of jewelry around my neck every day which I bought at the memorial the first time I ever visited. Its a beautiful piece inscribed in Latin, "No day shall erase you from the memory of time".

I remember there being a big hoohah about this particular quote at the time. The text is taken from Virgil's Aeneid and refers to Nisus and Euryalus, two warrior-lovers who slaughtered the enemy and in turn are killed and have their heads impaled on spears. So when the quote was to be mounted on the wall of the memorial museum in 2014, a professor from some Californian University that you've probably never heard of (I'm talking about both her and the uni) who obviously has far too much time on their hands claimed it was shockingly inappropriate and argued that the quote could be interpreted more towards the terrorists than the victims of 9/11. Blah blah blah, can we just agree that it is a beautiful and fitting quote? If they'd wanted to mount salvaged steal in 15 inch letters on the wall with an amusing but inappropriate knock knock joke or a dirty limerick then that would've been in poor taste but jeez... get over yourself and go back to reading The Odyssey will ya?! NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR OPINION!

But I digress...

So why? Why do we remember?

Why every year do we peel off the scab, reopening the wounds? Reading the names at the memorial in NY and several other gatherings around the US? Why do they show the same documentaries so we can witness and relive the terror and devastation once more?

Is it because it was so horrific, so traumatizing for the people who experienced it first hand and on a similar level for the rest of the world viewing it through their TVs?  Is it because we owe it to those who died that day and those who have fallen since because of that day, to keep their memories, their acts of braveness, kindness and love in its purest form, alive?

The answer is yes. All of the above and so much more. We should never forget. In a few generations time, the event may be simply confined to the history books in a musty old library or to be taught in schools to a room full of kids who really don't give a shit and will probably fail their history exam anyways but until then we should remember, remember til our dying day.

The whole world was asleep that day and we received a huge fucking wake up call. We were all sleeping and we must never go back to sleep again. The moment we do, we take the chance that we will experience another atrocity which will rival or indeed equal September 11th 2001 and I for one pray to the powers that be that I never get to witness anything like that again in my lifetime.

Testing, testing... is this thing on?

Yes, it has been a long time since I last blogged.

I'VE BEEN BUSY! GET OVER IT!

Nobody reads this shite anyways but I guess I'm back for a bit til I'm distracted again by this shiny thing we call life.