...six and nine, sixty-nine.
I should be so fucking lucky.
Lets face it, the dating game is just that, a game. A game of numbers. Add the injection of technology into what was already a nightmare and you're seriously fucked. Sometimes literally but hey, just don't expect the coitus to come with a side of commitment. That's only in the expansion pack which is currently out of stock on Amazon.
So finally you decide to take the plunge and sign up for a dating website or app which are nothing more than glorified meat markets. Then you wade your way through the thousands of eligible singles night after night, swiping left so many times that you develop carpal tunnel syndrome (or swiping right if you like to play the odds).
I have a couple of friends who met on a dating site who are now married and have two lovely kids. You hear these stories now and again but question whether they are in fact urban legends invented by a terminal single in the hopes that they can convince themselves that they won't be alone for the rest of their lives and die, only to be discovered mummified in their recliner chair with the remnants of a Weight Watchers meal for one on their lap.
So what's a nice guy/girl like you doing in a place like this? I mean no, really! Where the hell do you go to find someone who isn't going to murder you, stalk you, complain about their ex or even all three?
I took the plunge at the beginning of this year. I signed up for one of these apps. It wasn't my first rodeo as they say. My first time was actually back in 2012 where I met M. The relationship only lasted a year. We used to joke that it was the best £25 we'd ever spent. Now... I wish Id kept the receipt. The second time was a few years after that. I had a couple of dates with one guy. One of them was in Ikea! Hey you might snort but it was actually quite fun and hell, cheap as shit... have you ever been to their restaurant? You can eat as much as you want and still have change from 15 quid. Sadly, there was just no chemistry and it fizzled out. Well actually I went on holiday and I didn't text him and he didn't text me. Shit for all I know, he still thinks were dating! So this time it was honestly more out of boredom and actually more of an experiment. Lets just say, thank fuck I wasn't going into it with any expectations...
I've always believed that if you have to pay for the app/site then you will get more serious daters on there. Hell, just someone who can string a sentence together would have been nice. I like conversation, I don't do small talk; so for me that was the first hurdle for any Prince Charming to clear. Jesus H Christ was I in for a rude awakening! Don't believe me? See below the genuine opening messages that I received (just for clarity, I never message first and no, I haven't spell/grammar checked the messages either. You'll just have to decipher them like I had to) -
hey fancy going out on a date love ring me on my phone number 07******** my email address r********@hotmail.co.uk love you are so beautiful if you are interested in me love you never know know what might happen Im a true gentle man I teat women with the most up most respect so here is my email address r********@hotmail.co.uk love and my mobile number 07******** get in touch if you want a date and a lot of laughter and fun xx
Now don't get me wrong, spelling and grammar aren't the be all and end all of a relationship but COME ON!!!! The one thing I will say about this site... it didn't allow you to copy and paste so daaaaamn if he was typing that to every girl he liked the look of on there then I'll give him a D- for effort. Also, his email address was ridiculous.
NEXT!!!!
Is your middle name Gillette? Because oure the best a man can get. (insert kissy emoji)
*vomits* NEXT!!!
I need you without sounding desperate, love the fact you are a writer, ever thought of writing a book.
Holy shit! No I hadn't thought of that. I've just been content with writing dirty limericks on bathroom walls all this time (the fact that I mentioned I had a blog and had wrote a book on my profile seems to have escaped him) And noooo not desperate at all NEXT!!!
Well hellooooooo there how are you you well. Hope you dont mind me saying but you look stunning here I double dare you to come say hello lol x x
3 hours later...
Awwwww come on dont be shy I am not that scary am I lol x
Well actually you were and to be honest, I don't do dares... I always pick truth. NEXT!!!
Hey gorgeous, are getting sun tan to make you more sexy xx
sorry are you getting a sun tan xx
read your profile your my prefect lady xx
No I have a tendency to burst into flames in direct sunlight. NEXT!!!
OMG u excite me so much... my blood pressure has risen and in v much wanting you... mmmm u are just stunning darling... I wont be sleeping soon iv gotta assist my rapid rising (insert tongue and lipstick emoji)
Do I need to call you an ambulance or maybe even a hooker?
So there you go. Just a small sample of my time playing the dating game and these weren't even the worst ones. I truly hope these gentlemen (and I use the term loosely for a couple of them) did indeed go on to find their Mrs Right or even their next stalking victim. I found it absolutely impossible to reply to everyone who messaged me (I did try for the first day at least) and soon found myself spending most of my time just deleting ridiculous and sometimes scary messages. One guy even found me on Instagram! How the fuck he managed that I will never know. After that, I was ready to jack the whole thing in immediately.
There were some nice guys on there, I actually had some interesting and even fun conversations but none that moved me to take the plunge and meet for a coffee or a burger. Didn't even come close to be honest but I put it down to maybe I just wasn't ready to date again. One thing is for sure, after this last experience, I will choose to die alone and be eaten by my cats than EVER go through that again.
