50 Shades of... hmmmmn.

I am not one to go see a movie or read a book just coz the masses do. "Blockbuster" or "This summers funniest movie" leaves me cold and for one thing, how can they possibly know that it will be this summers funniest movie before it even comes out? Ok they've seen it but what if other people think its shit and another movie is actually funnier?? Why don't they just say "WE'VE watched it and WE think its the funniest movie of the summer"? Most of them show all the best bits in the trailers anyways so by the time the movie comes out, they've actually saved you the price of a ticket to go see it.

Best seller is another term that I despise quite frankly. Best seller tells u nothing about the book just that a lot of sheeple have been to buy it. Well fuck the sheeple. Half of them don't have two brain cells to rub together and would wear a dead squid on their head if you told them to.

So I was dubious when looking at Amazon.co.uk (possibly my fave website ever btw) and saw that 50 Shades of Grey was available for the Kindle. I am newly converted to the Kindle. Refusing point blank to entertain one before now. There is just something about a paperback that excites me and I didn't want to swap them for a hard grey over sized calculator. I love buying books. I love their chunky feel and smell. New, old, worn, it doesn't matter. They are just, well almost as orgasmic as new socks (another blog for another time maybe?)

So yeah, I'm on Amazon and its there, looking at me. I know people who have read it of course and who have gushed about the main character Christian Grey. Ive heard review after review on it, some good, some bad as you usually find in the case.

"E.L. James writes as though she's late for a meeting with a sex scene"

"I do recommend this book, it is a great read for anyone interested in spicing up their sex life and learning about the possibilities of sex."

So I relented and bought it and quick as a flash it was there on my Kindle, taunting me to read it.

Now anyone who knows me, knows I am a fan of the romance genre. Hell Ive even written a romance novel of my own (unpublished as yet. Fear of rejection cripples me coz I think its a masterpiece and I will not be told otherwise!!) I have read Mills n Boon and Harlequin Romance (to name a couple) for years and have quite an extensive collection on my bookshelf (or the cabinet in my bedroom) Of course they are not the kind of books you have on display. They're no War and Peace, Crime and Punishment or even Windows 7 for Dummies. I feel that even now, in this day and age there is still a stigma attached to women reading these kind of books which I feel is madness. These are romance novels, period, with a few sexual scenes in them. Some don't even get that far. They build up the sexual tension and never give you the release you expect (story of most women's life huh?) I heard someone once equate them to pornography and that women should be ashamed of themselves.

Puhleeeeeeze!

Not even in that ball park. And excuse me but what is wrong with women watching porn? I find the double standard on this subject very annoying. Just coz a women watches it, doesn't make her less of a lady, doesn't make her a slut and I would have to say in my humble opinion and speaking from experience that I bet shes having a marvellous time in the bedroom because of it. Either that or its filling a gap (pardon the pun) between boyfriends.

But back to Mr Grey. I began reading it a couple of days ago. My first reaction was "wow, this is poorly written" and quite annoyingly so. I felt like you didn't get a chance to absorb the words before the characters thoughts were derailed by another (sounds a bit like my blog!) But I gave it a chance and soon realised that it wasn't bad, it was just written in a style that I wasn't used to. Hell I'm no book critic but I know what I like and this was a definite departure.

I wont go into the book too much. Hell this is no book review but I do find the characters interesting and more so reader reactions to Mr Christian Grey. One of my friends said "I need to get me a Christian Grey" which made me think... really? Putting aside the fact that he is deeply damaged and a sadist, he knows how to be a gentleman. This got me thinking, could these female readers really handle exploring Mr Greys dark side in reality? I'm thinking not. But then again, would we all be more content in our lives if we just surrendered to our animal instincts?

Ive always believed that as humans we think we are intelligent. If we are then we are too intelligent. That in our quest to be lord and master of the lands we have actually done ourselves no favours. That we are actually less intelligent because of the technology we have created to make our lives easier. Its had the opposite effect and has actually made us lazy, almost docile. Look at how frantic we get in a power cut or even if we simply lose our phones. Hell, the majority of us couldn't even feed ourselves if our wallet was stolen as we no longer carry cash. So we keep out primal instinct buried, maybe only letting them out to take a breath in the bedroom (for the lucky few) and then we put them away again once the post coital glow has died and we've run to the bathroom to grab a some tissue. No, we have lost our instincts, our urges and dulled our senses. We rely on computers and gadgets for everything to our own detriment.

God help the masses in the impending zombie apocalypse that's all I can say. It will be the ultimate natural selection... only the fittest survive. Hell, bring it on, we could do with a cull!

I could carry on with this but I shall leave it there. Well until I've read the next instalment from the Grey trilogy. 

Hey, guess how many days til Christmas. Fuck off!

Why do people insist on doing that? Why do they insist on telling you how many days til Christmas? Quite frankly I don't wanna know. I didn't wanna know in June and I certainly didn't wanna know in March. I mean seriously, who starts their Christmas countdown in March?? You cant countdown to something that only finished three fucking months ago!

I do like Christmas or at least I did til last year (for personal reasons I will not go into) I am very much the over achiever when it comes to the festive season. Everything has to be bigger and better than the year before. Ha, and I bet you thought I was gonna be some kinda Grinch right? Nope I'm a Christmas fanatic. But not before its time to be.

I am not one of these people who has bought all their Christmas gifts by September. I mean yeah, I like to be  organised as much as the next person but it merely cheapness on my part. I mean hell, a lot could happen in the next 3 months. Say you buy a nose hair trimmer on September 15th for Uncle Al and then he dies on December 4th... a waste right and you can guarantee that the store wont except it as a return and you can hardly give it to the milkman can you? Or what if there is a zombie apocalypse on November 22nd? I really don't wanna go into one with a house full of bath salts and Christmas novelty socks.

So as long as all my gift shopping is done by December 20th then I wont spend the next 5 days waking up in a cold sweat that Ive forgotten to buy my Grandmother's denture adhesive (hey don't scoff! Shes a practical woman and likes practical gifts and she goes through that stuff like there's no tomorrow!)

Unfortunately Christmas has become big business over the last 20 years. Maybe its just me showing my age but it feels like they're getting the store Christmas decorations out earlier and earlier. As soon as the Halloween stuff has been taken down BAM! up go the twinkle lights and baubles and the gaudy Christmas music starts blasting thro the store speakers. (Although one year I did see a supermarket selling Christmas puddings in July. No joke!) I just think everything has its place and its time and the bombardment of jolly images, music and festive cheer should be held off til November. Late November. I mean its not like we can hide from it and quite frankly, you would've had to have been in a coma for at least 300 days of the year to not know what's coming up. Do we really need to be made to feel guilty for not feeling the festive spirit in October? Its like they're reminding you that procrastination is bad, that its almost criminal to have not bought your kids or wives or husbands or (insert marital status here, Facebook's answer of its complicated will not be accepted) present earlier that November.

Hell not to be sexiest here but most men I know don't even start to think about it til December 21st and really start worrying on Christmas Eve. I remember calling up an ex on Christmas Eve one year (he wasn't my ex at the time of course) and asking him what time he was coming over. "Ill be over soon I'm just in Ikea" was his reply. "Oh, what you buying?" I asked. "I'm looking for your Christmas present".

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Needless to say, after unwrapping a cushion on Christmas day, yes a cushion! it didn't last much longer. Ok, he is maybe an extreme example of some men's ineptitude for gift buying. It was even more insulting as I pride myself on being a very easy person to buy for but even I wasn't gonna excuse soft furnishings as a Christmas gift.

So unfortunately now its the end of August I am expecting more and more of the " its ____ days til Christmas you know?" At this moment in time I'm not sure whether a look of annoyance bordering on disdain or a swift punch in the face is the way to handle it. Ill get back to you on that one.

Oh and by the way it 124 days til Christmas. The old lady on the bus this morning told me.

Hit and Run

A brother and sister from Leeds are fighting for their lives after being mowed down by a hit-and-run driver as they walked home from a shop to buy onions for the family meal.

It has been asked "What kind of person leaves two children lying there just bleeding in the road?" I think we should ask the question "What kind of parent allows their 10 year old and 2 year old to go to the shop alone?"

 Am I the only one whos getting this?? Yes, a 10 year old and a two year old were allowed to make a journey that means crossing a road. Was this a busy road? Who the hell knows but it was busy enough that day!

 http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-19310014

 Accidents do happen and children are hurt on the roads every day. This driver shouldnt have left the scene, period. BUT!!!!!! Why were these two children allowed to make the journey alone? They were buying onions for a family meal, I emphasise the word FAMILY. Youre telling me that there wasnt one responsible adult in that house that couldve gone to the shop instead. Oh no wait, dont tell me, the 18 month old baby was cooking the meal and far two busy juggling knives in the kitchen to make the journey himself.

 Jesus wept!

 I have myself been witness to such an accident many years ago. The thing I remember the most was the sound and the utter fear I felt until I saw that child get up from the road herself. She was lucky but she still took one hell of a hit and I was shaking for hours.

 Dont get me wrong I wouldnt wish this on any child or parent for that matter and Im not saying that they deserved such an awful thing to happen to them but in my mind the parents are responsible for the accident almost as much as the driver.

The bitch is back!

Its been a while huh? Well to be truthful, I have been blogging somewhere else (yeah I know, Bad Cat!) but now that has come to an end, I thought Id pick up where I left off. Miss me? Its been a...wow... has it really been two years? Holy hell. Its been a turbulent couple of years. Lots of changes but some things havent changed. Im still angry, still ranty and still swear like a sailor on leave. So watch this space coz Im back and I still havent shut up!

Flat Pack Farce

I vowed that when I moved house this time, I would not buy any flat packed furniture. ( especially from Ikea) I have had terrible experiences before and I am one of those people, I’m not ashamed to admit, that once the bookcase or table or wardrobe is proudly erected, I always have a screw or a nut or a bolt left over and no matter how long I look I can never find where it was supposed to go. I’ve never had anything fall over or fall apart on me (yet) but there is almost always a piece left over. I’m actually beginning to think that it is a conspiracy by the flat pack packers (say that three times fast) and they put in extra pieces in the box just to bamboozle you.

 My last and hopefully final experience of a flat pack nightmare was about 10 years ago and involved the dreaded Ikea shelving which, if you’d seen them you would screamed at me “OMG woman are you completely incompetent?” Hey! I am mostly a capable woman but these things were obviously designed by some psychotic freak on acid. Seriously! They weren’t flat packed in the traditional sense of the word but they still had to be constructed. They basically consisted of tubular black supports and wooden shelves which slotted on. I swear it was like wrestling a metal octopus. I was tempted to go purchase body armour just in case I accidently impaled myself. At one point I nearly lost an eye! This somewhat simple erection still had me flummoxed and after over an hour of grappling with the pieces, I called up the boyfriend and swore down the phone at him that there were obviously some fucking pieces missing (even though I was holding the worlds large back of screws)and that I was about to throw the whole thing out of the fucking window. Needless to say when he came round that evening he had the damn things up in less than 20 minutes and I was more than a little embarrassed.

 I’m gonna be completely sexist now and say that women, or at least women like me just aren’t cut out for this kinda construction. Maybe our basic natures fight against our want of being equal and our need to erect flat packed furniture. Women after all are the home makers and nurturers. Or perhaps we are just more clever than that and know that our man’s need to be hunter gatherer and construction expert is important to him and by rescuing their damsel from the evil that is flat packed furniture we build his sense of worth.

 So I’m pleased to say that so far the urge to buy flat packed, even if it’s gonna save me some money has been quashed by the memory of the Ikea shelving incident of 2002.

Why do you ask?

Other person: Hey Cat, how are you? Long time no see!
Me: I good thanks. How are you?
Other person: Im fine.
Me: Thats great
Other person: See ya.
Me: See ya.

You ever get the feeling that when someone asks you how you are, that they really dont give a shit about the answer?

Can you imagine the look on their faces if you truly told them how youre feeling that day!

So why do they ask? Why you we ask?

I can honestly say that if I ask someone how they are then I am interested in the answer they give me. More often that not they will reply with the word "fine". If thats how they wanna answer the question then I guess thats fine.

Just once tho, I would love to answer them truthfully -

Im not good actually. I got mugged last week by a gang of drugged up five year olds. Then just yesterday my cat got run over by the icecream truck. Plus, I have an overwhelming suspicion that my boyfriend is having an affair with the guy who cleans the next door neighbours gutters.

Ok, none of that is truthful, but you get what I mean.

HD? Who cares?!

HD channel this, HD channel that... I am sick of hearing about HD. I have watched programmes on a friends HD tv and I cant see what all the fuss is about. Seriously!

Im sure there are many people who will disagree with me but you see, I come from a generation of kids who had indoor areials. We were just happy that we got any picture, never mind a crystal clear one!

My first TV was a black n white one with a dial to change the channels. My first colour set was given to me when I was about nine years old but this one had buttons. I mustve been in my late teens before I got a set with a remote. still remember the betamax video player my dad got where the remote was attached to it via a wire. I thought that was the dogs bollocks!!!

I constantly see commercials for HD channels and HD sets... What next? A HD microwave??? "The new Toshiba HD Microwave. Its like youre actually cooking food"

So this is why I will never get excited about HD and I will resist buying a set or subscribing to a HD channel for as long as I can. The history of man has been fraught with scams... analog to digital... the decimalization of Britain in 1971... theyre nothing more than money making schemes!